Up Side Down

I have recently noticed that I’m not the only one to balk when the teacher says “now we’re going to work on our handstands.” Fear rises up instantly, washing over me with a kinetic sting. Other yoga poses are rooted from everyday positions; standing, sitting and laying down. From a natural foundation, I feel safe to explore my strength, balance, and flexibility. Placing my hands where my feet should be feels very unstable. I run from that feeling.

I have never been one to be daring. I won’t go on roller coasters. The truth is that many things I have counted on as stable have proven otherwise. There were moments when my world had turned upside down, and I froze. I would stick my head in the sand, as my mom says. As a matter of course, eventually I would adapt to my new normal. Just moving forward took all my courage.

When I first began my yoga practice, I would go to class to escape. Eventually I discovered that there is no escaping my physical challenges or the thoughts in my head. Practicing yoga, they are confronted then and there. I notice how I feel when I fall out of my balancing poses. I notice my thoughts judging my failure. I try again.

And now it’s time for handstands.

I notice my mind either screams “no” or sometimes just “I’m not in the mood.” The handstand is a fascinating pose. The teacher can make it look so effortless and buoyant. I’m not comfortable going to that extreme. It’s not my nature. I feel clumsy and weak. I’d much rather feel regal and powerful in my warrior pose, thank you.

Recently, I had the opportunity to do a handstand away from the wall with the teacher assisting. Even though I trusted her, I was still terrified of falling. That unstable sensation was very present. And so was I! My entire body was working hard to hold the pose. The teacher guided my attention to my form, empowering my control. My hands, my shoulders, my core, my legs, my feet were all engaged. When I finally released into child’s pose, I felt differently. My only thoughts were “I did it!” and “That was fun!”

Then I remembered that each time I worked on handstands, afterwards I always felt better. Better about myself and better about the world around me. Going upside down definitely shakes up my perception. I gain new awareness of the room, the world, and even myself. Not only is that a good thing, I need it every once in a while.

So I have decided to incorporate some ventures off the mat as well. No roller coasters yet, but little pushes to expand my boundaries of comfort and safety. I took an art class, painting for the first time since grade school. I choose to go on my own, without using anyone as a crutch. I didn't initiate any conversations, but I enjoyed painting and sharing the space with these people. Next time I’ll push a little further.

Recently in a yoga class, when the teacher said the word "handstand," there was a hum of groans while I squeaked in delight (sometimes I squeak). I don’t always enjoy handstands, and sometimes I’m really not in the mood. Yet each time I practice, pushing my comfort level further, I shift a little bit higher.