I have made a conscious decision to share my journey with
the world. Beyond the fear of putting myself out there, I have trouble
believing that I have something of value to offer. Promising myself to be more
active on my blog, I wondered, “What do I have to say?”
Last summer, I found my journal kept from ages 15 to 22
years old. I read this record of my life in a couple of hours. I felt such
compassion for this girl, who didn’t believe she was good enough. When she
spoke up, she got shot down. She gave so much attention to the condemnations,
she begged God to make her better. It struck me how many of the journal entries
began “Dear God.” I remembered more of my disappointments falling off my
spiritual path. So this ‘girl that I was’ was earnest in her relationship with
God. I found myself smiling with love
for her. Later that day, my mala beads broke; an outward sign of the shift occurring
within me. But the lesson was not done.
A few months later I was looking through old pictures, and I
found some of a wedding that I attended during that same time period. I
remember trying so hard to look just right, to avoid doing or saying anything
embarrassing. Later I found out that some people at the wedding were ridiculing
me; saying that I was too fat and not pretty. I looked at myself in these
pictures, and I didn’t see anything wrong. I thought, “You sweet girl. You didn’t
deserve that.”
The practice of yoga involves peeling the layers that life
has accumulated, clearing what does not belong anymore to get to the authentic
self. This is not an easy process, but it is necessary to move forward. I have
chosen to use my voice to help others on their path. In order to be of true
service, I need to consistently keep myself clear. Sometimes old memories and
issues rise to the surface, and it is my responsibility to acknowledge what
arises, and then let it go.
That girl I revisited through the journal and pictures is a
part of who I am, though she does not define me. Instead of using these
memories to feed my belief that I’m not enough, I have chosen to use them to
offer compassion to myself and others. Instead
of bitterness, I am grateful for those experiences. I have decades of life
experience and wisdom that offer something of value to share. It doesn’t need
to resonate with everyone, but there is always the possibility that something I
share may touch someone, someday.
Therefore I will continue to say what I have to say.
