The Holiday Season

This time of year can be challenging. There were times I could not raise my “happy” level to match the festivities. Relationship issues, financial struggles and pressures from work have distracted me from the joyous feelings I’m “supposed to have.” Christmas carols and festive lights felt more intrusive than welcoming.

In general, this season radiates a warm glow for me.  I love watching the children overflowing with excitement. I feel peaceful hearing holy music. I am blessed with many happy memories of Christmas, visiting relatives and honoring traditions from our families. 

And yet… this season has also brought disappointment and heartbreak. Family members missing from the table, the first Christmas without someone we have lost, and witnessing the erosion of innocence. The pain we carry seems to amplify when we’re being encouraged to deny its existence.

There are very real issues that we manage from day to day, and the holidays ask that we put these aside to celebrate, to refocus on the bigger picture. We are all connected through Love. Whatever religion or holiday you align with, this is the basic idea. Unfortunately, this tends to get lost when we try to keep up with the expectations.

One thing I have learned through my experiences of difficult holidays is to let go of the meaningless traditions and simplify. I have let go of a lot. I don’t decorate anymore, because it was more work than enjoyment. I don’t try to find the perfect gift, because I never really understood what that meant. I don’t cook elaborate meals, because I don’t eat elaborate meals. I don’t send cards, though I do enjoy receiving this new trend of photo cards. Maybe one year I’ll send pictures of my husband on his bike with me in a yoga pose.  

This is how I am choosing to celebrate the spirit of the season. When I simplify my participation in the holidays, I have more freedom to be fully present. I can see if someone feels lonely or frustrated, and I can respond with love. I can see if the holiday traditions are so meaningful to someone because it connects them to their past, and I can respond with love. I look into the beautiful eyes of my loved ones, and my heart responds with Love.

To you and yours, however you celebrate this season, I wish you all the blessings of Love.

My Nightmare

Last night I had a dream that I was attacked by a vicious large black dog. The teeth and the growling was terrifying and real. Like the movie "Cujo," I was trapped in a car watching it's head crashing against the window. A woman outside the car was beating it down away from me. At one point it was down on the ground, and I thought it was over. It leapt up even angrier, charging at my window, which was now rolled down. I pressed back as far as I could, it's face and teeth were inside the car and coming at me quickly. I knew there was no escape. I woke up.

I looked up dream interpretations on the internet, which there are many sites and conflicting information. What I took was that a black dog means a disloyal friend or the shadow side of a friend. The barking was gossip and the biting was fear. Trying to figure out who that could be, and finding no conclusion, I let it drop. It may have been a memory from some other time, something I watched, or just me imagining a fear come to life.

After my typical morning ritual, I went downtown to teach a class. Walking back to my car, thinking about what needs to be done for the rest of the day, I saw a black dog. It's leash was tied to the door of a bagel shop. It was small, probably under 10 pounds. It didn't bark, it just held eye contact with me. As I continued walking, I felt my awareness shift.

I haven't "decided" what all this means. I do feel comforted, that I'm not completely on my own. For now, that may be enough.

Adventure

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

After two years of training and initial teaching of yoga, it was time for a break. My husband did a bicycle tour with his dad earlier this year and wanted to share with me some of his favorite sites along the Oregon coast. As I begin my intensive training into yoga instruction and yoga therapy this week, it was the right time to break away from routine and familiarity into the unknown. This was my adventure.

I have been challenging myself to face what scares me, until I run out of things that scare me. Though I haven’t run out of fear-triggers yet, the line of resistance has relaxed quite a bit. My fear of flying did not result in a panic attack, and I was able to breathe through lift off. On our first full day, we walked through the busy city of Portland. I crossed over the pedestrian bridge with cautious ease. I felt confident for our hike the next day.

We set out to hike Multnomah Falls Trail, wearing our hiking boots and feeling excited. At the base of the waterfall, we looked up to the pedestrian bridge, and I felt intimidated to climb that high.  We giggled when we saw the path was paved and some people were coming down wearing flip-flops. When we reached the bridge, I felt empowered. 

The trail continued around the mountain, unpaved. As we gazed out to the Columbia River below, I noticed the steep drops had no barriers built. I also saw the trail got very thin and uneven. By the time we reached the second switchback, I was done. Pete encouraged me to continue, to conquer my fears, but I felt the panic rising. I waited at the landing of this switchback as he continued his climb. I sat in my fear, meditated and prayed. I watched a variety of ages and body types climb up and down without the obstacle of fear. By the time Pete came back, I had some greetings with the passers-by and even did a few yoga poses. 

Our adventures continued with a very loose itinerary, not always sure where we would sleep that night (we had our camping gear). I continued challenging my fear levels throughout our many adventures along the Pacific Coast. When we stopped at vista points to take in the views, the mountain at our back and the ocean below, fear dissipated. I was fully absorbed in the wild landscape.

On our last flight home, I took the window seat. Pete slept as I watched our ascent (yes, he can sleep through take-off). I watched the ground fall away, heard the engines escalate in power and felt the shuddering of the aircraft. I also observed my thoughts, my physical responses, and my breath. As I slowed my breath, my thoughts slowed and my body calmed. This too, I observed.

We arrived at the airport an hour before our luggage. In this moment I saw very clearly that I could choose to allow this to affect my memories of the adventure, or to accept it as part of the experience. As we waited in baggage claim, we observed the people around us, the shift of the crowd as flights arrived and people departed. We remembered the highlights of our travels; the majestic redwood trees, the ocean sprays on rocky beaches. We were too tired to be hungry or need anything. It was an interesting place to be.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” ― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

Ahimsa (Part II)

As this first yama (personal restraint) keeps returning into my perspective, I would like to offer some clarifications and expansions of my viewpoint. I encourage my yoga students to listen to their own inner voice, and I extend this to you. Take what resonates, leave the rest.

1.       Ahimsa to yourself first. When I am unkind to myself, it is difficult to be authentically kind to others. It may be tainted with resentment or, to the opposite extreme, superiority. When I care for myself with compassion, I begin to recognize my inner light. Then I can more easily recognize the light in others so that compassion follows naturally. Compassion for myself first also protects me. Some people are in such pain or disconnect, their actions and behaviors are harmful to themselves and those around them. Some people are simply moving in a different direction than me. Distance and boundaries may be created with compassion and non-judgment.

2.       Ahimsa is an attitude, a behavior. It doesn’t matter if I like a person or what they do. It doesn’t matter if we are “on the same page” with our values and beliefs. I don’t even need to feel happy in their presence. I only need act in kindness, to trust that their inner light is as brilliant as mine, whether I see it or not.

3.      Ahimsa is the foundation. In my previous post, I mentioned it is the first of the five yamas (compassion, truth, non-stealing, energy management and non-attachment). The yamas are the first limb in Patanjali’s Eightfold Limbs of Yoga, before postures and meditation. If we have any of these practices without ahimsa (compassion, non-harming) it will not be worthwhile.

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)

1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4.       Ahimsa is love in action. We don’t need to like everyone or feel good about everything all the time. My practice is to be present in each moment, not judging what is present, just observe with a compassionate and open heart. When action is appropriate, than I have better discernment to bring forward what is most loving and beneficial. 

Ahimsa

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.—Plato

I grew up watching Mork & Mindy, and enjoyed watching many of Robin Williams’s movies. When I learned of his death, my heart sank into a spiral of “whys”. Though I didn’t personally know him, it still hurt to recognize the depth of his pain. Viewing the many tributes, I understand that he was an extraordinarily generous and kind person.  Though I have no direct connection him, I feel very connected to his soul. 

Ahimsa is Sanskrit for non-harming. It is the first yama, or restraint, in Patanjali’s Eight-fold Path of Yoga. I believe it is the most important, and the other yamas and niyamas (observances) follow it because it must come first. Ahimsa is non-judgment, non-violence, compassion and kindness. It is to be merciful.

If we have Ahimsa first for the self, then it naturally extends to others. This has been my the challenge, as I have received the opposite message in the past. In meditation, I connect to my true self. When I look within, I find a profound sense of peace and wholeness. I carry this connection throughout my day, in all activities and interactions. Sometimes I lose this connection. As my practice deepens, I can recognize when that happens and find it again more and more quickly.

I have used judgments as shortcuts to the truth. Though my intentions were not to harm, the results were most often harmful, to me and to whom I was judging. This is not new information, but this knowledge would be habitually cast aside when old beliefs are triggered. As I connect within to my true self, these triggers become less effective, until there is no emotional charge at all.

The truth is that each person has this profound wholeness within them. Some people may be more connected to their true self than others.  Some people may be deeply attached to beliefs that separate them from their true self. Some people may suffer unimaginable mental or physical pain that blocks their connection. There is no shortcut to understand what anyone’s personal experience is. That is why judgment does not work.

What does work is Ahimsa. Non-harming. When we lead with that intention, when we look at each person with compassion, things begin to change. People begin to change. When we connect in kindness, we are free to soften our judgments and beliefs of separation. If we begin with Ahimsa, what follows has the opportunity to become more fruitful.

Robin Williams’s life and his death has affected much of the world. Surely he will be portrayed as a part of our cultural history. The greater truth of this person is the same truth that dwells within each of us, within our deepest knowing. We are each connected in this divine mystery.

The Butterfly

Females particularly seem attracted to butterflies, and I am no exception. When I was 4 years old, my mom said “don’t move. There’s a butterfly on your shoulder.” We both knew it was auspicious. That was a sacred moment I have carried with me, never fully understanding it, yet always grateful.

Enhancing my meditation practice, I am following the Mentor’s Channel 21-day practice focusing on the teachings of Osho, a 20^th century mystic. One meditation focused on the importance to take risks, to venture outside the comfort zone and truly live life. I recognized this message was essential for my continuing development.

When I first began teaching yoga, I was not comfortable being the teacher. The sympathetic nervous system was in high gear! My heart would race, my clothes would stick with perspiration, and my muscles would brace to fight or flee. Fortunately, this subsided through time as I became familiar with being in front of the room, leading my class through asanas and breathing.

Other areas of my life still get my heart racing. Riding my bicycle with cars on the road gets me nervous, even after I took an empowering and thorough traffic skills course. About 5 years ago I would ride to my office a few times a week. Life changes took me out of that routine, and my time on the bike has fallen through the years. My husband is an avid cyclist. I do not join him and our friends for group rides. That’s not alright.

My husband and his dad took a 5-week bicycle/ camping trip from Seattle to Los Angeles this spring. That is wild living! Not knowing where you will sleep each night, never mind the ever-changing road conditions, weather, water supply, phone signal, etc. Meanwhile I am safe at home in my routine of teaching yoga, seeing my friends, and caring for the home.

The dichotomy within our marriage isn’t lost on me. I want to explore the world with my partner, without fear holding me back. I trust him; I know I am safe with him. Now is the time for me to trust myself. I have been given this awesome gift of life! I am choosing adventure, embracing it all. I may shake from the inside out, that will not stop me.

Like the butterfly stuck in the cocoon, I was fearful of breaking through the walls of protection that I have built around me. It has served its purpose, and now it is time to emerge. To remain in the cocoon is to be stagnant, less than alive. I have known women that never left their cocoon, their life constructed of barriers, hidden from life. I am choosing to emerge, to live vibrantly. My wings are vibrant.

Dharma

There are many meanings of the Sanskrit word, dharma. It is known as the path of righteousness, duty, quality, virtue, cosmic law and order, and vocation. Dharma is derived from the root dhr "to hold; maintain." My understanding of dharma is life purpose, which is based from reading a translation and many interpretations of The Bhagavad Gita. Each person is born for a reason, and it is our job to live in service for that reason.

From childhood, I have been conditioned to believe that I wasn’t needed. It has affected my relationships, my health, my behavior, and basically my entire perspective on everything. Any slight was taken as proof of this belief. It’s a very painful way to live. 

And then I broke. I remained on Earth with all it’s events happening around me, but I wasn’t part of it. In these days, I would walk. In this solitude, I slowly began to connect to the ground below me, and then the sky above me. As I walked, I saw what was going on around me, between the ground and the sky. I wouldn't talked to anyone, and I was sure to be out of the way. As time passed, I slowly began to accept smiles, nods and eventually hellos. These small gestures felt good, and I was ready to allow them to feel good.

During this time, I did a lot of work for my healing. Then something happened beyond all my efforts. I received divine intervention. My divine intervention came in the form of earth angels. These angels are ordinary people with extraordinary hearts and insight. They came into my life, and became my friends. They are in my life to this day, and will always be in some form. More than helping me heal, they recognized me as one of their own.

This trajectory never stopped or reversed, it grew exponentially. It challenged my old beliefs and destroyed them. Some may call this an awakening or a rebirth. I see it as a gift I dare not waste. Truly, it has all been a gift. Without my previous experiences, I may not recognize the miracles I experience now. 

Recently, I received a letter from Kripalu, addressed in my own handwriting. It was a letter I had written to myself during my final days of teacher training. I completely forgot the contents, so it was like reading a letter from a dear friend. The letter mapped out my dharma, and I cried because I knew I was living it. The letter concluded, "Share your joy. There is no shame. Your joy brings joy."

All of these gifts come from love. I know that because I am a part of that. I also know that I am needed exactly as I am. I simply show up, fully present. Whatever happens from that is not really my business. Being connected to the source of love takes care of the rest.

This is a very joyful way to live.

When you release the pain, the doors will fly open.

This is a message I received last year. It gave me hope, though I was wary to believe it. Instead of focusing on releasing pain, I studied and practiced yoga. I meditated and journaled. I connected with the amazing friends and had fun. Eventually, the pain that defined me faded dimly in the background.

New experiences and connections created space for a new perspective. I was blessed with opportunities to expand. I found people were connecting with my classes. I discovered new circles of friends whose paths aligned with mine, and we became a source of strength and encouragement for each other. I lived in awe and bliss of my new life, no longer overshadowed by scorn. It was my challenge to accept that I could actually be this happy; doing the work that I love and sharing my life with loving heart-centered companions.

And then the past paid a visit. In respect to others involved, I shall remain vague. However this series of events forced me to face what has imprisoned my heart. The beliefs that I am not enough as I am, that I am unworthy, that I am wrong- all came hurling back. Was I just living in a fantastic mirage, and this lesser being is the truth of who I am?

I prepared to give up and shut down. However, my loving support system would not allow this. Through connecting with those who shared my painful past, we joined together in a new understanding. My newer circles recognized a turning point in my healing process, and cheered me onward. My life was now constructed in a way that could release bitterness and blame, and allow love and forgiveness to flow in. The reality of the past no longer fit.

Moving away from ambiguity, I can share one specific experience that encouraged me to keep my heart brave and open. I was driving on unfamiliar roads to see a friend. We had just taken collision off our insurance, and I was convinced I was going to do something stupid and get in an accident. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about my mind creating the setting that would cause my fears to more likely materialize.

Then I remembered about creating an intention, which is part of my yoga practice. I breathed fully and said aloud “I intend to get to my friend’s place safely. I intend to arrive relaxed and peaceful. I intend to enjoy our time together.” As I continued mindful breathing, I began to appreciate the beauty around me. The sky seemed to open up just for me. I felt a stillness rising from within. My ears became acutely aware of the words singing through the speakers:

            Beloved child, you are the light of the world

Beloved child, go out, spread light to the world

Be strong, be kind, be brave

Know your mind, know that you’re divine

Know that it’s alright to be afraid

Know that you are loved, rest in peace

Dream your sweet dreams, ’til your soul is released.

In Dreams

Jai-Jagdeesh

Of Heaven and Earth

(p) 2013 Spirit Voyage Records

I laughed and cried at once. My life is not a mirage. I am blissfully on my path, surrounded by support and guidance. The lies of my worthlessness no longer trap me. That illusion never belonged to me; though it did gift me with a depth of compassion that I otherwise would not have understood. I am grateful for this wisdom as I continue through the doors opening before me.

Letting Go

“I know/ I'm caught up in the middle/ I cry just a little/ when I think of letting go”

- Brenda Russell

I think it was my first yoga class; we were on our back, knees to chest, rocking side to side. The teacher reminded us of the nurturing we give to our children as we rock them in our arms. Now we have the opportunity to give this nurturing to ourselves. I tried to muffle the noise of my crying as the tears soaked my mat.

In yoga class, I guide my students to tune in to their breath, and gently lead them to an awareness of thoughts, sensations and emotions. In the awareness, we have to power to release what no longer serves us. Sometimes a pose will trigger a buried emotion or memory, and the tears make a surprise appearance.

Yoga is one form of catharsis, an instrument used to release what is being held deep within. All forms of art can touch a space and raise emotions to surface. A childhood song not heard in years. A poem that expresses our innermost knowing. The physical act of running, singing, riding a bike, or practicing yoga can also be effective.

Before practicing yoga, the only thing I understood about letting go is that it hurts. That’s why I’ve run away from it. Celebrating my last day of a job that I held for nine years with shots of tequila only temporarily blocked the pain of letting go of the life I knew. Complaining would also block me from facing what I don’t want to see. It’s like I’m trying to convince myself of another story. I can cast myself as the hero or a victim, whichever suits my ego. It would give me a false sense of control, which I found to be the hardest to surrender. I would get stuck in this thinking, this belief, this way of living. It would hold me back, but I was terrified of letting go.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

― Anaïs Nin

I was so tired of working in an office, I felt myself disconnecting. I’ve worked steadily since I was 19 years old, and now I wanted something else. I dreamed of being a yoga teacher, but didn’t think it was possible. Then I found an off-campus Kripalu yoga teacher training that could work with my schedule. Then I lost my job. When I started my training, our instructor advised that we will change in ways we couldn’t yet imagine. I didn’t believe her. I’ve been through enough changes; I just wanted to be certified. What I didn’t understand was that the training would be much more than how to teach poses. It was turning on my light, seeing myself as I am. It was being present to my tribe of fellow trainees, witnessing their enlightenment. By our graduation, we could each acknowledge our transformation.

When I get really quiet, when I allow truth to come into my awareness and just sit in it, the process of letting go can begin. Before I can let go of something, I need to see what it is. Thoughts, memories, images and sensations do not define me. I acknowledge them, and release them. I am gentle with myself in the process. I slow down or stop whenever I feel overwhelmed or just empty.

Being gentle with myself is essential. My first (and only… so far) 5K run, I pushed myself at my full capacity when the starter gun fired. In less than a half of a block, I could no longer ignore the sharp burn growing behind my sinuses. I slowed to a trot, and stayed with that pace. By the time I crossed the finish line, I think it was about 40 minutes later, I felt good. Somewhere along the way, I dropped the judgments and the fear of failure. It was very freeing.

My Lessons from Yoga

It’s been a year since I have worked in an office. The daily interactions, routines, interruptions, and conflicts have mostly been absent in my new life. My environment has grown around my commitment to yoga. At home I have long stretches of time to study, practice and create. The quiet and contemplative space that I have cultivated allows me to go deeper into my understanding of what I learn. When I work, I am surrounded by supportive like-minded colleagues whom I deeply appreciate. This is the vocation I dreamed for myself, and I am bursting with joy!

I have only very recently connected to the reason for this providential conversion. There are people who need yoga, some desperately. I see people struggle with confusion. I witness people react to their circumstances by withdrawing into a corner or erupting in emotion. I see this with a new clarity, as it has been mostly absent in my daily experience for quite a while. Mostly absent, yet always present within me somewhere. Yoga has given me the tools to manage these tangles. Now it is time for me to offer what I have learned.

1.       Breathe

Whenever I feel scrambled, which is often, I have learned to step back and breathe. I don’t need to answer right away; I don’t need to jump at expectations. When I focus on my breath, I remind myself that I am here. This brings whatever else is happening into perspective.

2.       Listen

Often I notice people talking over each other, there seems to be an urgency to be heard. Sometimes I think I know what needs to be said, and I am sure that I need to say it. When I listen, I receive new information that shifts what I thought I knew.

3.       Act

I was terrified walking into my first yoga class by myself. I stayed in the back of the room. I came back the next week. I kept coming back. I got to know the teacher. I followed everything I could find about yoga. I applied to Kripalu for training and was accepted. Now I am the teacher. When I get waves of fear or nervousness, I teach anyway.

4.       Love

There were times that I have felt so isolated and heartbroken; I didn’t believe my life mattered. In my despair, new angels came into my life. They offered me kindness, even though I didn’t understand why. More angels joined them, and before long my life became flooded with angels. Everywhere I look now, eyes shine at me.  When I smile at them, they smile back. And then I welcome them to class.

 

Something to Say

I have made a conscious decision to share my journey with the world. Beyond the fear of putting myself out there, I have trouble believing that I have something of value to offer. Promising myself to be more active on my blog, I wondered, “What do I have to say?”

Last summer, I found my journal kept from ages 15 to 22 years old. I read this record of my life in a couple of hours. I felt such compassion for this girl, who didn’t believe she was good enough. When she spoke up, she got shot down. She gave so much attention to the condemnations, she begged God to make her better. It struck me how many of the journal entries began “Dear God.” I remembered more of my disappointments falling off my spiritual path. So this ‘girl that I was’ was earnest in her relationship with God.  I found myself smiling with love for her. Later that day, my mala beads broke; an outward sign of the shift occurring within me. But the lesson was not done.

A few months later I was looking through old pictures, and I found some of a wedding that I attended during that same time period. I remember trying so hard to look just right, to avoid doing or saying anything embarrassing. Later I found out that some people at the wedding were ridiculing me; saying that I was too fat and not pretty. I looked at myself in these pictures, and I didn’t see anything wrong. I thought, “You sweet girl. You didn’t deserve that.”

The practice of yoga involves peeling the layers that life has accumulated, clearing what does not belong anymore to get to the authentic self. This is not an easy process, but it is necessary to move forward. I have chosen to use my voice to help others on their path. In order to be of true service, I need to consistently keep myself clear. Sometimes old memories and issues rise to the surface, and it is my responsibility to acknowledge what arises, and then let it go.

That girl I revisited through the journal and pictures is a part of who I am, though she does not define me. Instead of using these memories to feed my belief that I’m not enough, I have chosen to use them to offer compassion to myself and others.  Instead of bitterness, I am grateful for those experiences. I have decades of life experience and wisdom that offer something of value to share. It doesn’t need to resonate with everyone, but there is always the possibility that something I share may touch someone, someday.

 

Therefore I will continue to say what I have to say.