The Butterfly

Females particularly seem attracted to butterflies, and I am no exception. When I was 4 years old, my mom said “don’t move. There’s a butterfly on your shoulder.” We both knew it was auspicious. That was a sacred moment I have carried with me, never fully understanding it, yet always grateful.

Enhancing my meditation practice, I am following the Mentor’s Channel 21-day practice focusing on the teachings of Osho, a 20^th century mystic. One meditation focused on the importance to take risks, to venture outside the comfort zone and truly live life. I recognized this message was essential for my continuing development.

When I first began teaching yoga, I was not comfortable being the teacher. The sympathetic nervous system was in high gear! My heart would race, my clothes would stick with perspiration, and my muscles would brace to fight or flee. Fortunately, this subsided through time as I became familiar with being in front of the room, leading my class through asanas and breathing.

Other areas of my life still get my heart racing. Riding my bicycle with cars on the road gets me nervous, even after I took an empowering and thorough traffic skills course. About 5 years ago I would ride to my office a few times a week. Life changes took me out of that routine, and my time on the bike has fallen through the years. My husband is an avid cyclist. I do not join him and our friends for group rides. That’s not alright.

My husband and his dad took a 5-week bicycle/ camping trip from Seattle to Los Angeles this spring. That is wild living! Not knowing where you will sleep each night, never mind the ever-changing road conditions, weather, water supply, phone signal, etc. Meanwhile I am safe at home in my routine of teaching yoga, seeing my friends, and caring for the home.

The dichotomy within our marriage isn’t lost on me. I want to explore the world with my partner, without fear holding me back. I trust him; I know I am safe with him. Now is the time for me to trust myself. I have been given this awesome gift of life! I am choosing adventure, embracing it all. I may shake from the inside out, that will not stop me.

Like the butterfly stuck in the cocoon, I was fearful of breaking through the walls of protection that I have built around me. It has served its purpose, and now it is time to emerge. To remain in the cocoon is to be stagnant, less than alive. I have known women that never left their cocoon, their life constructed of barriers, hidden from life. I am choosing to emerge, to live vibrantly. My wings are vibrant.

Dharma

There are many meanings of the Sanskrit word, dharma. It is known as the path of righteousness, duty, quality, virtue, cosmic law and order, and vocation. Dharma is derived from the root dhr "to hold; maintain." My understanding of dharma is life purpose, which is based from reading a translation and many interpretations of The Bhagavad Gita. Each person is born for a reason, and it is our job to live in service for that reason.

From childhood, I have been conditioned to believe that I wasn’t needed. It has affected my relationships, my health, my behavior, and basically my entire perspective on everything. Any slight was taken as proof of this belief. It’s a very painful way to live. 

And then I broke. I remained on Earth with all it’s events happening around me, but I wasn’t part of it. In these days, I would walk. In this solitude, I slowly began to connect to the ground below me, and then the sky above me. As I walked, I saw what was going on around me, between the ground and the sky. I wouldn't talked to anyone, and I was sure to be out of the way. As time passed, I slowly began to accept smiles, nods and eventually hellos. These small gestures felt good, and I was ready to allow them to feel good.

During this time, I did a lot of work for my healing. Then something happened beyond all my efforts. I received divine intervention. My divine intervention came in the form of earth angels. These angels are ordinary people with extraordinary hearts and insight. They came into my life, and became my friends. They are in my life to this day, and will always be in some form. More than helping me heal, they recognized me as one of their own.

This trajectory never stopped or reversed, it grew exponentially. It challenged my old beliefs and destroyed them. Some may call this an awakening or a rebirth. I see it as a gift I dare not waste. Truly, it has all been a gift. Without my previous experiences, I may not recognize the miracles I experience now. 

Recently, I received a letter from Kripalu, addressed in my own handwriting. It was a letter I had written to myself during my final days of teacher training. I completely forgot the contents, so it was like reading a letter from a dear friend. The letter mapped out my dharma, and I cried because I knew I was living it. The letter concluded, "Share your joy. There is no shame. Your joy brings joy."

All of these gifts come from love. I know that because I am a part of that. I also know that I am needed exactly as I am. I simply show up, fully present. Whatever happens from that is not really my business. Being connected to the source of love takes care of the rest.

This is a very joyful way to live.

When you release the pain, the doors will fly open.

This is a message I received last year. It gave me hope, though I was wary to believe it. Instead of focusing on releasing pain, I studied and practiced yoga. I meditated and journaled. I connected with the amazing friends and had fun. Eventually, the pain that defined me faded dimly in the background.

New experiences and connections created space for a new perspective. I was blessed with opportunities to expand. I found people were connecting with my classes. I discovered new circles of friends whose paths aligned with mine, and we became a source of strength and encouragement for each other. I lived in awe and bliss of my new life, no longer overshadowed by scorn. It was my challenge to accept that I could actually be this happy; doing the work that I love and sharing my life with loving heart-centered companions.

And then the past paid a visit. In respect to others involved, I shall remain vague. However this series of events forced me to face what has imprisoned my heart. The beliefs that I am not enough as I am, that I am unworthy, that I am wrong- all came hurling back. Was I just living in a fantastic mirage, and this lesser being is the truth of who I am?

I prepared to give up and shut down. However, my loving support system would not allow this. Through connecting with those who shared my painful past, we joined together in a new understanding. My newer circles recognized a turning point in my healing process, and cheered me onward. My life was now constructed in a way that could release bitterness and blame, and allow love and forgiveness to flow in. The reality of the past no longer fit.

Moving away from ambiguity, I can share one specific experience that encouraged me to keep my heart brave and open. I was driving on unfamiliar roads to see a friend. We had just taken collision off our insurance, and I was convinced I was going to do something stupid and get in an accident. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about my mind creating the setting that would cause my fears to more likely materialize.

Then I remembered about creating an intention, which is part of my yoga practice. I breathed fully and said aloud “I intend to get to my friend’s place safely. I intend to arrive relaxed and peaceful. I intend to enjoy our time together.” As I continued mindful breathing, I began to appreciate the beauty around me. The sky seemed to open up just for me. I felt a stillness rising from within. My ears became acutely aware of the words singing through the speakers:

            Beloved child, you are the light of the world

Beloved child, go out, spread light to the world

Be strong, be kind, be brave

Know your mind, know that you’re divine

Know that it’s alright to be afraid

Know that you are loved, rest in peace

Dream your sweet dreams, ’til your soul is released.

In Dreams

Jai-Jagdeesh

Of Heaven and Earth

(p) 2013 Spirit Voyage Records

I laughed and cried at once. My life is not a mirage. I am blissfully on my path, surrounded by support and guidance. The lies of my worthlessness no longer trap me. That illusion never belonged to me; though it did gift me with a depth of compassion that I otherwise would not have understood. I am grateful for this wisdom as I continue through the doors opening before me.

Letting Go

“I know/ I'm caught up in the middle/ I cry just a little/ when I think of letting go”

- Brenda Russell

I think it was my first yoga class; we were on our back, knees to chest, rocking side to side. The teacher reminded us of the nurturing we give to our children as we rock them in our arms. Now we have the opportunity to give this nurturing to ourselves. I tried to muffle the noise of my crying as the tears soaked my mat.

In yoga class, I guide my students to tune in to their breath, and gently lead them to an awareness of thoughts, sensations and emotions. In the awareness, we have to power to release what no longer serves us. Sometimes a pose will trigger a buried emotion or memory, and the tears make a surprise appearance.

Yoga is one form of catharsis, an instrument used to release what is being held deep within. All forms of art can touch a space and raise emotions to surface. A childhood song not heard in years. A poem that expresses our innermost knowing. The physical act of running, singing, riding a bike, or practicing yoga can also be effective.

Before practicing yoga, the only thing I understood about letting go is that it hurts. That’s why I’ve run away from it. Celebrating my last day of a job that I held for nine years with shots of tequila only temporarily blocked the pain of letting go of the life I knew. Complaining would also block me from facing what I don’t want to see. It’s like I’m trying to convince myself of another story. I can cast myself as the hero or a victim, whichever suits my ego. It would give me a false sense of control, which I found to be the hardest to surrender. I would get stuck in this thinking, this belief, this way of living. It would hold me back, but I was terrified of letting go.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

― Anaïs Nin

I was so tired of working in an office, I felt myself disconnecting. I’ve worked steadily since I was 19 years old, and now I wanted something else. I dreamed of being a yoga teacher, but didn’t think it was possible. Then I found an off-campus Kripalu yoga teacher training that could work with my schedule. Then I lost my job. When I started my training, our instructor advised that we will change in ways we couldn’t yet imagine. I didn’t believe her. I’ve been through enough changes; I just wanted to be certified. What I didn’t understand was that the training would be much more than how to teach poses. It was turning on my light, seeing myself as I am. It was being present to my tribe of fellow trainees, witnessing their enlightenment. By our graduation, we could each acknowledge our transformation.

When I get really quiet, when I allow truth to come into my awareness and just sit in it, the process of letting go can begin. Before I can let go of something, I need to see what it is. Thoughts, memories, images and sensations do not define me. I acknowledge them, and release them. I am gentle with myself in the process. I slow down or stop whenever I feel overwhelmed or just empty.

Being gentle with myself is essential. My first (and only… so far) 5K run, I pushed myself at my full capacity when the starter gun fired. In less than a half of a block, I could no longer ignore the sharp burn growing behind my sinuses. I slowed to a trot, and stayed with that pace. By the time I crossed the finish line, I think it was about 40 minutes later, I felt good. Somewhere along the way, I dropped the judgments and the fear of failure. It was very freeing.

My Lessons from Yoga

It’s been a year since I have worked in an office. The daily interactions, routines, interruptions, and conflicts have mostly been absent in my new life. My environment has grown around my commitment to yoga. At home I have long stretches of time to study, practice and create. The quiet and contemplative space that I have cultivated allows me to go deeper into my understanding of what I learn. When I work, I am surrounded by supportive like-minded colleagues whom I deeply appreciate. This is the vocation I dreamed for myself, and I am bursting with joy!

I have only very recently connected to the reason for this providential conversion. There are people who need yoga, some desperately. I see people struggle with confusion. I witness people react to their circumstances by withdrawing into a corner or erupting in emotion. I see this with a new clarity, as it has been mostly absent in my daily experience for quite a while. Mostly absent, yet always present within me somewhere. Yoga has given me the tools to manage these tangles. Now it is time for me to offer what I have learned.

1.       Breathe

Whenever I feel scrambled, which is often, I have learned to step back and breathe. I don’t need to answer right away; I don’t need to jump at expectations. When I focus on my breath, I remind myself that I am here. This brings whatever else is happening into perspective.

2.       Listen

Often I notice people talking over each other, there seems to be an urgency to be heard. Sometimes I think I know what needs to be said, and I am sure that I need to say it. When I listen, I receive new information that shifts what I thought I knew.

3.       Act

I was terrified walking into my first yoga class by myself. I stayed in the back of the room. I came back the next week. I kept coming back. I got to know the teacher. I followed everything I could find about yoga. I applied to Kripalu for training and was accepted. Now I am the teacher. When I get waves of fear or nervousness, I teach anyway.

4.       Love

There were times that I have felt so isolated and heartbroken; I didn’t believe my life mattered. In my despair, new angels came into my life. They offered me kindness, even though I didn’t understand why. More angels joined them, and before long my life became flooded with angels. Everywhere I look now, eyes shine at me.  When I smile at them, they smile back. And then I welcome them to class.

 

Something to Say

I have made a conscious decision to share my journey with the world. Beyond the fear of putting myself out there, I have trouble believing that I have something of value to offer. Promising myself to be more active on my blog, I wondered, “What do I have to say?”

Last summer, I found my journal kept from ages 15 to 22 years old. I read this record of my life in a couple of hours. I felt such compassion for this girl, who didn’t believe she was good enough. When she spoke up, she got shot down. She gave so much attention to the condemnations, she begged God to make her better. It struck me how many of the journal entries began “Dear God.” I remembered more of my disappointments falling off my spiritual path. So this ‘girl that I was’ was earnest in her relationship with God.  I found myself smiling with love for her. Later that day, my mala beads broke; an outward sign of the shift occurring within me. But the lesson was not done.

A few months later I was looking through old pictures, and I found some of a wedding that I attended during that same time period. I remember trying so hard to look just right, to avoid doing or saying anything embarrassing. Later I found out that some people at the wedding were ridiculing me; saying that I was too fat and not pretty. I looked at myself in these pictures, and I didn’t see anything wrong. I thought, “You sweet girl. You didn’t deserve that.”

The practice of yoga involves peeling the layers that life has accumulated, clearing what does not belong anymore to get to the authentic self. This is not an easy process, but it is necessary to move forward. I have chosen to use my voice to help others on their path. In order to be of true service, I need to consistently keep myself clear. Sometimes old memories and issues rise to the surface, and it is my responsibility to acknowledge what arises, and then let it go.

That girl I revisited through the journal and pictures is a part of who I am, though she does not define me. Instead of using these memories to feed my belief that I’m not enough, I have chosen to use them to offer compassion to myself and others.  Instead of bitterness, I am grateful for those experiences. I have decades of life experience and wisdom that offer something of value to share. It doesn’t need to resonate with everyone, but there is always the possibility that something I share may touch someone, someday.

 

Therefore I will continue to say what I have to say. 

Om Shanti Om

Yoga introduced me to new ways of mediating, including chanting Sanskrit mantras. This practice has been especially effective for me, since Sanskrit has not been part of my language in everyday life. I have practiced mantras in English throughout my time on this planet (I can do this, God is with me, Breathe), which I've adopted or rejected depending on how I felt about it. Without a history influencing its meaning, I could study and practice a mantra in Sanskrit with purity. Through meditation, the mantra reveals itself, imprinting its authentic meaning over time. 

Traditionally, a mantra is repeated 108 times. 108 is a significant number in yoga, metaphysics, and ancient religions.  It equals 9 (the highest single digit number) multiplied by 12 (the basis for the duodecimal system which includes measurement for time). There are many fascinating meanings and equations relating to 108, which I encourage you to investigate. One significance of 108 is that each number represents a state of being: oneness (1) nothingness (0) and everythingness or infinity (8).

The mantra “Om Shanti Om” is a simple mantra for peace. "Om" is recognized to mean all that is. Chanting om in a mantra serves like an anchor, and may be the entire mantra. Many yoga classes begin and end with the sound of om. The sound of om is AUM, and it encompasses the beginning or creation (A) the middle or sustaining (U) and the end or transformation (M). "Shanti" means peace. Repeating this mantra infuses peace in all things.  This starts with our Self, as the vibration of the sound carries through the mouth into the body and outside the space of the body.

I often use Deva Premal’s recording of the mantra for meditation, though just having it in the background as I go about my day is powerful.  I find value in listening to mantras, even without complete awareness of its meaning. Positive vibrations of sound that come from a source of love will always have a positive effect. Even subtle elevations of vibration make a difference, and create a space for peace. Beyond personal practices or belief systems, this simple mantra carries no dogma and can be welcomed by anyone.

Peace to all.