Peace

I am inspired by the legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr. He is one of the few public figures that I never tire learning about. I continually revisit his messages of peace, non-violence, and standing strong in the face of fear, oppression and opposition. Watching footage of him speaking, I feel connected to him in a way that is beyond words.

49 years after his tragic death, his message of peace is just as relevant today. I am very aware of the diversity of thought, beliefs, and perspectives growing more passionate each day. I observe people expressing their views, explaining why they are definitely right and the opposing view is so wrong. What I understand is that we truly want the same things; to be free to live peaceful and happy lives. The differences is in how to create that and what it looks like.

The consistent root of this social unrest is seeing the opposition as an obstacle of our pursuit of happiness. We are sure that if they get their way, we will lose and suffer greatly. Each side genuinely feels this way. Fear stokes the flames of passion, and unrest becomes chaos.

Throughout my lifetime, I have witnessed and experienced various forms of violence and chaos.  I have been broken down from the accumulation of these experiences and how I believed they defined me. That breakdown was the catalyst to stop being the victim of my experiences and deliberately create the life that I want for myself.

During this shift, yoga became a larger presence in my life. The consistent practice teaches me to notice more subtle nuances both physically and emotionally. Sensations in my body signal if I need to shift my position. Sometimes the smallest shift makes the biggest difference. A smile is a joyful sensation rising up through the center of my belly. A scowl is a weight pulling through my shoulders and down my back. This natural internal system guides me towards my highest good.

Sometimes I don't listen to my internal alert system, usually to avoid upsetting someone. Sometimes I have mixed feeling for the opportunities that are unfolding. That is why awareness needs to be coupled with intention. Intention can blaze through the fog of uncertainty, complacency and even fear.

As I set my intention for peace, I notice all the diversity that is present inside me. There is resistance, acceptance, attachment, release, darkness and light. I observe every thought and every feeling with the word "peace."  The very word invokes many responses. I pay attention to every subtlety. I breathe in and breathe out peace. I engage and relax in peace. Peace is within me and around me. My intention becomes my meditation. My meditation becomes my prayer.

This practice of intention is repeated over and over again. It is repeated until the specific energy of the intention is surging through my heart and mind. The intention is reflected in my words and actions. The intention has transformed the point of my perception inward, so that it no longer depends on outer influences. My focus is on the quiet truth within me, while the external noise dims in the background.

Today, and through the days that follow, I wish you peace.

So Hum

I have been doing a lot of mantra meditations recently, feeling a deep need to be grounded, comforted, guided. Repeating root Sanskrit sounds signals the central nervous system, sending electronic messages throughout the body. The experience is powerful and transformative.

This week, I am focusing on the Sanskrit "So Hum" which translates "I am" or "I am that." I began this focus as a gift for a loved one. I was challenged with being judgmental and upset around them, and I didn't want to approach them from that negative space. This mantra came to me in my morning yoga practice, and my heart overflowed with compassion. I was able to move away from that negative space and authentically come from a place of love.

I continued sharing this mantra with my students, as a guide for self-love and self-empowerment. So much of the outside world takes us away from who we truly are. We get belittled, ignored or shamed simply for being ourselves. We learn to hide our truth until we don't even see it. It takes our deliberate, loving attention back to ourselves to heal what has been broken. When our focus is rooted within, the outside world becomes just noise. It no longer dictates our self worth.

We affect each other in ways that may be too subtle to acknowledge. Some of us are more sensitive to these energetic transactions. Many times I have been accused of being overly-sensitive. Through my yoga and meditation practice, I have come to value my sensitivity. It has alerted me when relationships or situations are not appropriate. I pick up all these little signs from the universe that I'm not alone; a white feather floating in the air, the perfect song randomly comes on, a phone call from a friend that I was just thinking about. I am overjoyed to notice these things!

I sit on a folded blanket on my yoga mat. I inhale "sooooo" I exhale "hummmmmm." My breath grows longer and deeper. I am calm and buzzing at the same time. I am here. I am connected. I am loving. I am powerful. I am a child of God. I am that I am. I resume my natural breath. I sit in quiet. I bow my head in gratitude.

Energy

Last month I received my 700-hr Yoga Therapy certification. This month I became a White Light Reiki Master. My teacher remarked on how quickly my journey has evolved. With my yoga and meditation practice, the path just grows clearer. This month, I am being gentle with myself, unplugging more, and allowing the energy of Reiki to integrate into my physical, mental and spiritual being.

What is Reiki? It is an over 2500-year old practice of tuning into this high vibration life-force, which was rediscovered by Dr. Mikao Usui over a century ago. A great overview can be read here. My personal experience has been healing and transformative. I am honored to teach this ancient practice with all who are compelled to learn and experience.

Since becoming a Reiki Master, life has gotten quite loud and chaotic around me. I am surrounded by betrayal, greed, drama, and a host of lower vibration energies that do not match what I am looking to cultivate in my life. Perhaps they have been here all along, and they are now being revealed in a way that I cannot ignore. Nevertheless, these circumstances leave me conflicted.

Raised as a good catholic girl, I was taught to put my own needs aside and help others. As a Yoga Therapist and Reiki Master, my career is based on helping others. So when confronted by the screams of desperation, I feel guilty that my instinct is to move in the other direction.

It is a popular perception that yoga teachers are all free-love, easygoing kind of people. I have never been that. I do not socialize easily, and it takes time for me to be comfortable in any environment. I am highly sensitive to energies that are present. Being around harsh energy is very unsettling, and I lose my equanimity. Using discernment to where I invest my attention serves me well.

Discernment is not judgement, it is fully perceiving and comprehending what is true in order to mindfully choose appropriate action. I look at where I am, and purposely decide how is best for me to move forward. I pray for guidance. I may consult loving friends and teachers. I do not need to be all things to all people. I need to be the very best me; authentic, strong and loving.

Dr. David R. Hawkins wrote Power Vs. Force, which changed my way of perceiving my life and the people in it. Within the book is a Map of Consciousness, which calculates the vibration of different energies, or states of being. This has allowed me to release judgement of those stuck in lower vibration energies. Hey, I've been there too. I have chosen to move upward, and I use this map as a compass.

These days have been challenging and confusing for many people. Energy levels are extremely high, and we may not feel like ourselves. Moon and planetary cycles also affect our energy. Therefore, don't take anything personally. That includes praise and criticism. It is none of our business what others think of us. Our responsibility is to ourselves. We choose the experiences that we want to create. No judgement.

Tipping Point

I have recently earned my 700-hour yoga therapy certification, which is 500-hour advanced yoga instructor through Yoga Impact along with my 200-hour yoga instructor through Kripalu. I have been in training mostly since 2013, and will continue toward my 1000-hour yoga therapy certification next year.

After an in-depth discussion with my mentor, Nancy Candea,  I have validated my progress and direction, and determined the appropriate steps to move forward. I see this as a tipping point more than an accomplishment. I am finally doing the work that is aligned with my values, and it is with great joy and gratitude that I continue to learn, share and practice. This is a commitment that I make to myself and my community.

Why did I choose this? I've been through a lot. I have gained lessons and deep realizations from all that I've experienced. I use the tools from my yoga practice to sort through my thoughts and feelings, acknowledge what is present, release what no longer serves me, and decide what experience I want to create for myself.

I use the physical practice of yoga to connect with my body. I want to feel good in my body, to be strong and healthy. For many years, I was so disconnected. I ate and drank for comfort, smoked and spend too many hours on the couch. When I first started taking yoga classes, I cried a lot. Connecting back to myself was scary and hurt like hell. All the years of talk therapy didn't do what yoga did. Something happens when the body is held in different shapes and moved it in different ways while mindfully breathing. This is something that I need to do everyday.

Meditation has taught me to use my mind, rather than being controlled by it. When I first began practicing meditation, my mind went everywhere! I would get so frustrated and angry with myself. Then I found some guided meditations, chanting mantras, and hand positions that helped me focus. With practice, it became easier. I began to notice when my mind would wander off, and I could bring it back without feeling bad. I use the practice of meditation throughout my day, by noticing more around me, noticing how it affects me, and choosing if and how to respond.

Spirituality is the intimate relationship with that which is greater than the self. People have their own beliefs and understandings of what that is for them, which I deeply honor. As with yoga and meditation, I take time everyday for prayer. In yoga, I focus on the breath as the spiritual connection. In Latin, "spirare" translates to breathe. Spirare is the root word for spirit, respiration, inspire and aspire. In Sanskrit, "prana" translates as life-force and "pranayama" is restraining or controlling of life-force energy.When we deliberately and mindfully control the inhale and exhale, we strengthen the connection with our body, mind and spirit.

Moving forward, I continue to expand my knowledge and experience of these practices. I study the anatomy of the human body, psychology, trauma, diseases and other conditions that can be alleviated with yoga. I read and listen to spiritual teachings, both ancient and modern. I offer yoga therapy in yoga studios, health centers, private group and individual sessions.

This world can be chaotic, distracting, and upsetting. So many people are going through so much. I am here to help more people be strong, relaxed and empowered using the practice of yoga.

Don't Stress

April is National Stress Awareness Month, and I have been sharing information and tools throughout the month in my classes and on my Facebook page.

April began with my mom going into the hospital and having surgery. A few days later strong winds tore off part of the roof at my husband's family business. In the meantime other scheduled obligations still needed our attention. That saying "it was one thing after another" certainly applied with more intensity then usual.

I took these situations as lessons for me to manage my stress with the very same tools that I was sharing. Using my life experiences as a laboratory for my yoga practice has served me well.

The first thing I needed to do was breathe. Being stuck in the car for hours, there wasn't much else I could do. I had control of my breath, not much else. As I made each breath deeper and fuller, my mood began to calm. I knew I needed to balance my stressful experiences with happier and more relaxing ones. I deliberately shifted my focus to the things I was grateful for in my life. I was very thankful that I wasn't going through this alone, my husband is my biggest support. I have support from so many people, even acquaintances checking in with me to see how I'm doing. I'm grateful for my daughter and my grandchildren. It is my joy to share in their lives, giving them support and love and receiving so much more in return. Reflecting on my gratitude, the stress was still there, but it didn't take up all my head space.

When things began to ease, I incorporated more time for exercise. I wasn't being mindful all winter, feeling like I get enough exercise from teaching yoga and running around doing errands. I was sitting way too long at the computer, and it's not good for my physical or mental health. I just need to set the time to do it. I usually don't feel like exercising until I'm about 10 minutes in, then the endorphins kick in and I'm having a blast! I'll dance around the house, going for a brisk walk in my hilly neighborhood, do a YouTube video or do a lot of fast paced sun salutations to my favorite music.

My meditation practice always helps me get through whatever appears in my life. I simply sit quietly, focus on my breath, and maybe a mantra. A mantra can be a word or phrase that resonates as a positive affirmation. After meditation, I am in a completely different state then I was before I started. I see the world through a clearer lens. I feel as if I am standing on a mountaintop, my perception is broader. From this space, it's easier to respond to the world peacefully.

There are so many healthy ways to manage stress, I encourage each person to find what works for them. Writing is very effective in expressing the deepest part of myself when I don't yet feel safe sharing it with anyone else. I keep my journals so I may review what are now memories through the eyes of the person that I was during those times. Or you can rip it up and throw it in a fire.

As April began winding down, it gave us the most traumatic stress experience. My husband's childhood friend died suddenly. We moved around in shock for days. At the funeral home, we joined in the collective grieving, facing our pain-filled loss together. The eulogies gave us permission to laugh through our tears, as we remembered the person we know in our hearts.

Strong social connections are crucial, as life continues to teach me. We affect each other's energy, we are drawn to those who make us feel safe and cared for. We spend our time with those who make us feel understood. My greatest lesson I learned this month is to honor these connections, they are what carry us through this life. I do yoga and meditate because it has made me a better friend. The stresses in life no longer control how I respond to life. When I choose to see it all as a gift, I am grateful.

Bhakti Yoga

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
"Anthem" Leonard Cohen

I've been having a few rough days. A lot seemed to be happening at once, and I was challenged keeping up. I felt inadequate. Then nobody showed for my yoga class, and my ego really took a hit!

Yes, my ego is still intact. I have yet to burn through all my illusions and attachments to come into a perfect state of enlightenment. I stopped waiting for it to happen. Yes, I am on my path. I study, pray and meditate. I am learning to trust that I am where I am supposed to be. When no one showed for class, that trust cracked a bit.

The truth is this happens. People have job, families to care for, they aren't going to make every class they would want. My ego convinces me otherwise. Maybe I'm failing. Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I am not enough.

I am learning that we don't always see the entire picture. What looks bleak can become our blessing. What feels uncomfortable or even painful may become our breakthrough. It can fuel us to create the changes necessary to move forward.

The next class I taught was filled with wonderful people that I see every week. They are so lovely and open to whatever I'm drawn to share with them. I feel useful. They have grown more comfortable asking me questions and giving me feedback after class. This gift of community gets me out of my self-depreciating rut.

I have been listening to the CD "Seva Volume 7, Sounds of Bhakti" shipped to me from Kripalu. I use it in my home practice, and recently began sharing the music with my classes. Seva is Sanskrit which translates as service. Bhakti is the yoga of love and devotion. It is leading life with an open heart and connecting to the Divine. This is what I stopped appreciating in myself. It was time to be reminded.

On this day,  I led this wonderful group of yogis inspired by this music. I spoke very little, allowing the class to connect to the mantras being sung. Every word, every pose had meaning. They sprang from a divine source, guiding me. The energy in the room was palpable. I saw each person shine brighter and brighter. My ego got very quiet.

In my Kripalu teacher training, Jurian Hughes shared the most essential requirement to being a yoga teacher. "Just love them." There's a message from the angels, "we wish you could see yourself as we see you." I close my sessions, "the light in you is seen and honored by the light in me. Namaste."

This is Bhakti Yoga.

Solstice

Last night we embarked up Pyramid Mountain on a group hike in celebration of the winter solstice, led by our friend, Douglas Vorolieff. As we witnessed the sun setting while the moon was rising, my friend Irene remarked that she became very aware of walking on Earth, this massive planet. It was a shared moment of wonder, a return to innocence.

As we walked down the mountain in the moonlight, I noticed the group got very quiet. It was a sacred stillness that I have experienced after some yoga classes. Partially stemming from fatigue, there is also a sense of connection to something greater.

As I journey into this new season, my intention is to remain connected to that which is greater than me as I let go of lesser attachments. When I am aligned with that, I experience more ease and joy. Arguments resolve, wounds heal, new friendships and other miracles become commonplace.

There are many ways to get into this space: nature, yoga, prayer, meditation, music, art and zillions more. Sometimes it's challenging to find time. I am blessed that my schedule is usually flexible, though there are times when it gets strained. At those times, a deep breath and a quick prayer suffice.

My gift to you this season is my discovery of the Map of Consciousness, created by Dr. David Hawkins. Using applied kinesiology, specific states of consciousness were identified and measured. The lowest level of shame logs at 20 and the highest level of enlightenment logs at 1000. Courage logs at 200, which begins the higher levels of positivity and truth. All we need is courage to expand into higher levels of consciousness! I enthusiastically encourage you to look deeper into Dr. Hawkins writings and lectures.

However you choose to go into this new season, I wish you peace.

The light in you is seen and honored by the light in me.

Namaste.

The Music Within

Yesterday, we attended my dad's last performance singing in the barbershop group, Morris Music Men. It was the first time my parents, all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were together in many years. The performance was beautiful and fun. The kids got excited to hear songs they knew, like "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "Day-O." Between songs, the MC shared entertaining stories peppered with jokes. Some songs stirred deeper emotions and memories. There were moments that I was overwhelmed with a certain joy; watching my dad and his friends on stage and sharing this experience with the people I love. I literally felt my heart expand. It even hurt a little.

My family has its complex histories as a whole as well as within individual relationships, as I have learned most families do. I'm really proud that we all agreed to come together to support my dad. It's not easy to let go of the words and actions past. It's not easy to resist falling back into those patterns that aren't loving or honorable.

I brought my experience from yesterday into my yoga practice this morning. I didn't know how it would unfold, so I started with my sister's mantra, "it is what it is." I allowed my breath to guide the movement. I dared to breathe deeper, to listen, to feel. My most tangible, physical body assured me I am safe. My breath opened more space within me. My mind focused on observing what was present, what was shifting. Divine wisdom revealed my true power. As I continued to explore this revelation, I slowly surrendered in bliss.

Our words and actions stem from what's happening within us; our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. If those are negative, so will our words and actions. Our true power is we can change our thoughts, which change our feelings. When we change to more positive thoughts, and feel positive, our words and actions become more positive. When the feedback we receive becomes more positive, then our beliefs can change. This true power that we have within us affects everyone and everything around us. It is our choice how we influence our environment.

Hugging my dad goodbye, I thanked him for bringing us all together again. The show was a beautiful gift to us, bringing us together in music and laughter. It was a really good performance. He said they were just having fun up there. When you're having fun, it's easy.

Now I See

Recently, I was invited by our lovely friends, Martin and Nancy Nusbaum, to visit The See Eye, a  philanthropic organization whose mission is to enhance the independence, dignity, and self-confidence of blind people through the use of Seeing Eye^®dogs. On a Saturday morning, I joined a tour of the Seeing Eye, led by Martin. I gained a greater understanding of what it is like to maneuver through life with blindness,and the gift of independence the Seeing Eye dogs offer.


The Seeing Eye's comprehensive program breeds and raises puppies to become Seeing Eye dogs (or obtains them occasionally by purchase or exchange); trains Seeing Eye dogs to guide blind people; instructs blind people in the proper use, handling, and care of the dogs; conducts and supports research on canine health and development.

Martin and one of the graduates of the program shared their experiences and answered our questions with candor and passion. The basis of the training is love. When a puppy is raised in a private home through the program, they are taught simple commands, learn social behavior, and experience love with an abundance of affection. When the dog is ready for training back at the Seeing Eye, the focus of the work is cultivated, and they are rewarded with affection. When the owners meet their dogs and learn to navigate together, the relationship develops with love.
I experienced this love through my relatively short visit. The puppy with Martin was not shy in sharing his affection with me and the other visitors. It creates a very warm and relaxed atmosphere. My protective walls came down and my heart beamed open. It is a common occurrence at the Seeing Eye, people leave transformed by their interactions with the dogs. Even if they are working, their very presence is calming.

A few days later, Pete and I participated in a yoga practice guided by Nancy at the Seeing Eye. The mediation and yoga theme was peace. In this sacred space of love and trust, peace flowed with ease. 

Nancy teaches teaches Wednesday evenings at 6:30pm at Purple Om.
If you are interested in donating, every dollar of your gift goes to support The Seeing Eye’s programs. All gifts to The Seeing Eye are tax deductible.

A Day at the Beach

A day at the beach brings days past back to life. The tastes of the salty water, the grit of the sand, the relentless sun blazing on the skin feels the same.

We bring our grandchildren to the beach, who play in the sand and jump the waves just as our daughter did. Years play back before my eyes. The hand that reaches out for me to hold feels the same.

And yet, this moment of stillness also passes. Cups get knocked over, sand gets everywhere, and we brought so much stuff we can't find what we need. All these little annoyances are a blessing. Little pinches of reality. Life is teaching me to cherish them all.

Morning Ritual

Like many people, I was conditioned to earn approval. Pass the test, meet the deadline, clean up, pay money, etc. If I didn't meet expectations, the consequences ranged from disappointment to punishment. Society's dangling carrot of approval incrementally moving further beyond my reach. I teetered between trying harder and giving up.

What was missing was the connection to me. That concept wasn’t encouraged or even taught. All that external focus to gain approval and stay out of trouble overrode any internal focus. If it can’t be measured or graded, what is the value? Depleted from running on that hamster wheel to nowhere, I had no choice but to get off the carousel and figure out a new way.

I started with my physical body, which was overweight and addicted to cigarettes. I started walking, biking, practicing yoga and fun workout videos. I noticed when I felt hungry and how I felt after I ate. I used an online food and exercise tracker. I felt stronger, and my body moved easier. I also felt more confident. Some people noticed the changes and offered compliments.  Although touching, I was surprised how little I needed it. I have created a strong connection to my body that didn’t require outside validation.

However, I still struggled with people-pleasing and social anxiety. This connection goes deeper, right to the heart. I was completely lost here, out of touch with who I was and what mattered to me. I sought desperately for guidance, never satisfied. I was back on the carousel.

I have practiced meditation for a long time, having powerful and insightful experiences in group meditations. I needed more, and I couldn’t just rely on the group. As I commit to a personal meditation practice, my focus inward grows stronger. I listen to my heart. It lets me know if I am moving in the right direction, or I need to change course. As I nurture this loving relationship with myself, I find that this connection is a gateway to the divine nature that I have known as God. God had always been too big a concept for me to understand. Now I experience the awe and joy of connection beyond this tangible existence.

Like any relationship, this needs work to keep it alive and vital. It’s too easy to fall back into despair and apathy. This world challenges me over and over to give up; it’s too hard and nobody cares. In order to keep myself connected and on my path, I need to start each day checking-in and reaffirming my commitment to myself. This morning ritual has evolved over the years, and it keeps changing. The following are the basic practices that work for me:

1.       Exercise- even 10 minutes of sun salutations awakens the body and brings a sense of accomplishment. I exercise throughout the day, so I don’t need to get it all in before breakfast.

2.       Meditate- if the weather is agreeable, I'll do walking meditations and combine these first 2 practices. I also listened to guided meditations, chanting, or just focus on my breath.

3.       Journal- stream of conscious writing is very effective for connecting within.

4.       Inspirational reading or media- if not in the morning ritual then at some time during the day. Sometimes it resonates, sometimes it doesn’t. It never hurts.

5.       Prayer/ intention- whatever is stuck in my heart, this releases it out to the universe, to work out however it’s supposed to work out.

There are many ways to practice connecting to our authentic self. Committing to a morning ritual sets the tone that you desire for the day. This summer, I am offering a 7am yoga class Monday through Friday at Be Well. I will be sharing and exploring tools that you may incorporate with your own morning rituals. If that not available to you, smiling when you first wake up each day is a great practice! I highly recommend it.

Witness Consciousness

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

As I sat sick in my bed, too congested to breathe, I longed to be liberated from my own body. The same body that gave birth, survived car accidents, loved and hugged. I was desperate for sleep that my body would not allow. And so I noticed what was in that moment. I felt my muscles ache, the rawness in my throat and sinuses. I noticed the moving shadows on the wall as cars passed, the tissues piled on the nightstand and my book next to my pillows. Instead of reading to distraction, I continued observing myself in this space, until finally sleep succeeded. 

Physical wounds are the most obvious obstacles to peace of mind. The wounds of the heart are not as tangible, yet can be an even greater disturbance on inner peace. My good friend Steven recently led a discussion on relationships, sharing "If one of our relationships is not at peace, are we? Hell no!"

I'm somewhat experienced at analyzing relationships. Trying to understand personal discord often leads to mental anguish. I can go down that rabbit hole of doubting self-worth quite easily. The mental wounds are tricky mine fields, accumulated over time from major and minor traumas. Not easy to find peace there.

Between physical, emotional and mental wounds that I carry, where is it possible to find peace? I've spent enough energy in social and family dramas, trying to numb myself with food, cigarettes and mindless TV. I tried going to church and pray, but I was so caught up in complaining about this wounded life, I never shut up and listened.

Until I did.

It was in a yoga class, when the teacher encouraged us to feel what was happening as we moved and as we held a pose. That practice re-trained my mind to observe, to take a backseat to the experience. I learned not to judge what was happening, just to allow it to happen. Over time, this released pent-up emotions, thoughts and beliefs that no longer worked for me. Many were no longer valid or even true. It is painful to face these head-on; even more painful to let them go. They're like little deaths of what always defined me, what I had always known.

What was left was a great emptiness, a freedom of movement. I didn't need to fill it right away, new opportunities and fresh experiences came naturally in good time. With my yoga practice, I experience this phenomenon in varying degrees over and over. In time, I become clearer as I just observe what is present, and allow it to pass through me. 

It is that simple, but it is not easy. Maybe it gets easier in time. I'll let you know. What I do know is the fruit of my practice, finding that sweet nectar of being. Without effort or distraction, it has always been.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Celebration

My dad recently celebrated his 85th birthday. His one wish was to gather family and friends together in celebration. His mom gave lavish parties every 5 years to celebrate her milestone birthdays. I remember her 85th and her 90th. She passed 2 months afterwards.

My dad isn't a lavish person, but he did want a party. My sister created invitations with pictures of him as a small child and as a young adult. My brother came from California. My dad ordered the catering and I ordered the cake. The day before the party, my dad and I shopped for party supplies, drinks, etc. I planned on setting up at the Irish-American club at least 2 hours before it started.

Things didn't go as planned. We were running late, the cake had the wrong age written, and the store was crowded. My control-freak nature was beyond frustrated.

As I stood on line for the cashier, waiting for the person in front of me, I was very aware that there was nothing I could do. I stood and looked at my surroundings. I felt my body buzzing and my heart beating. I focused on what was happening, like a scientist. It was interesting. I remembered other times I have felt this way, and they weren't always bad. I remember feeling this way when I went to my first concert, or going on a first date. I imagined my dad was feeling this way while he was waiting for me in the car.

We got to the club to set up while my husband and brother picked up the catering. My sister soon came and jumped right in setting up the coffee station. When the guys came back with the food, they also helped setting up.

As the guests began arriving, the women who belong to the club took over the kitchen. Gratefully, I began to relax. I was happy to see some people I grew up with. My cousin, whom I haven't seen in 5 years, sat with us and led our very amusing conversations. My grandchildren and nephew were happily playing outside with my sister's dog. My dad and his barbershop friends got into a circle and sang a few times throughout the party. He ended up with 3 birthday cakes! My 7-year old granddaughter put candles on all of them, which was fine since the kids also helped blow them out.

There are times when I get so focused on how I think things should be done, I tune out the clamorous music of life. Sometimes that is necessary. Sometimes I just need to let go of my itinerary and participate harmoniously in the present moment. At 85 years old, my dad still had more to teach me.

Practice

Throughout my teacher training, both with Kripalu and Yoga Impact, maintaining our personal practice is required. It made sense that I keep up so I can physically demonstrate the poses that I teach. What I have discovered through my practice is much more profound.

There are times when I do sun salutations first thing in the morning just to get them over with. A check on my to-do list. Sometimes the whiny child in me begins to surface "I don't wanna practice." I breathe my arms up, and move through the sequence with my breath. I notice what is tight, what needs to be opened. I breathe and move gently in these spaces. When my practice is complete, I sit in meditation.

I have also come to the mat with my hands over my heart, with no thought of what will happen next. I practice the poses that are most challenging for me. I practice gentle watery movements to free any stiffness or tension. I memorize sequences and how they feel in my body. Whatever form my practice takes that day, it is always a practice of mindfulness.

I study teachings of yoga, science, philosophy and religion with fascination. I can read a passage, then months later, it's like I've never read it before. I find gold everywhere I look, and then I turn around and find it again.

When I practice yoga, there is gold. My mind and body calm, and I am clearer in my thinking and activity. It clears the distractions, negativity and the untruths that I have learned to believe about myself. My yoga practice goes deeper because it's not being told to me, it's being experienced. When I press my palms together in front of my heart, I offer love to all the parts of who I am. Even the parts that are harder to accept. When I raise my arms overhead, joy is present. When I stand strong in a warrior pose, the shy wallflower within me is transformed.

In "Living Buddha, Living Christ" Thich Nhat Hanh explores the teachings and practices of two people who lived on the earth thousands of years ago. Though culturally expressed differently, each practice brought their followers to that place of divine peace; whether it be called Nirvana or Kingdom of God. He further emphasizes that practice is necessary even when that peace has been reached. If the practice is discarded, all that was discovered becomes an array of concepts and ideas. What is touched upon in our practice is alive, it is the essence of our being that gets lost in our busy-ness.

I discovered the song "I Am What I Am" sung by Aykanna. The lyrics are simple and repetitive. "I am what I am. And that's alright." For reasons beyond my understanding, I was drawn to share this song with my very musical granddaughter.

The next day, I went to my beloved teacher's yoga class. She talked about the yoga practice burning away all the stuff that doesn't belong to you to get you back to who you truly are, which is pure bliss. You are already fine just as you are, yoga is just a way to see that.

I closed my eyes in reverence to the connection I just experienced. I felt tears fall as my practice had already begun.

Community

This weekend I attended my first drum circle. I went with no expectation. We were loaned a djembe drum, an African instrument that is played by hand. Mark guided us in some basic techniques, and then we began.

At first, I was just trying to find my coordination. Eventually, I let go of trying to copy or keep up, and it just flowed. My sound was mixing with sounds of all the drums in the room. I watched the room with more softness. It was more than sound to the ear; it was vibration throughout the body. At one point, I stopped drumming and hovered my hands over the skin, physically feeling it vibrate from all the other drums in the room. I was in joyous awe.

Then my friend got up and danced in the middle of the circle. The energy in the room rose even higher and I felt my heart break open. I wanted to join her, but I felt this was her moment. This circle was a benefit for her daughter. I wanted to honor this space, so I drummed with even more enthusiasm.

During our water break, she told me I should join her. I shrugged that I was too shy. She assured me that once you’re up there you just let go of everything. Next round of drumming, I see her saunter her way over to me. She gives me a nod, and I follow. Just like the drumming, I tried moving with some sort of rhythm and style, and then I was just moving. I was so lost in the moment that she tapped my arm to check in on me. I found myself in giddy bliss.

As we were cleaning up, my husband and I were talking with some of the other participants, sharing our experiences. It was such a beautiful space, no one wanted to break it.

Its times like this that reminds me how vital and life affirming a community can be. I haven’t felt a part of a community for most of my adulthood. The church I grew up in no longer resonated with me, my family and friends had scattered, and the only group I had were my co-workers. Thankfully, I was blessed with many years sharing office spaces with people who were caring and supportive. Now I am so grateful to be a part of very encouraging communities of yoga, spiritual development, biking and books.

I was talking with my dad about the drum circle and how good it felt to be with these friends. He said that’s why his groups are so important to him; volunteering at a senior center, barbershop singing, and other religious and cultural groups. As his age gradually limits him, his connections to these groups grow even more precious. It heartens me when he reports how his friends help him out by giving him rides to the meetings and other events.

The drum circle was a continuation of the Purple Om fundraiser for Amber in February. Donations classes at Be Well are the 3rd Friday of the month at 6pm and are continuing to benefit Amber in April and May. 

No judgement needed

I've discussed the first yama of ahimsa, non-violence, many times. Compassion and non-judgement is the foundation of my practice. It is what remind my students during yoga class. It is what I remind myself when I fall out of a balancing pose.

These reminders are great when offering loving-kindness to ourselves when feeling challenged or uncomfortable, but what about when we find ourselves in situations that just doesn't feel healthy.

I ask myself, and my students, not to see things as good or bad, right or wrong. Instead, I ask how does this feel? Does it feel supportive or helpful, or is it causing pain and possible damage?

In my yoga therapy training with Nancy Candea, we practiced a series of poses while standing on one leg. Believing that I was obligated to keep up with the class, I pushed myself, holding my balance the best I could. Standing on my left leg, a shooting pain traveled from the inside of the fallen arch in my foot through the back of my knee. I kept going. Afterward, Nancy caught me massaging the area and asked me what happened. When I told her, she asked me, "is this pose useful for you?"

I know the eka pada standing poses strengthen the supporting leg, including the muscles that have grown weak from the arches in my foot not lifting. What is not useful for me is standing unsupported for a prolonged period. Being able to stand on one leg will not make me a better yoga teacher or a better person. Because it's easy for the person next to me doesn't mean it needs to be easy for me.

I decided that I can mindfully explore these poses, notice how I feel in the moment, and honor the messages that my body is giving me. I can use a chair or a wall to alleviate the body weight transitioning to the standing leg. I can shorten the time I hold my body in this position. In time, I may progress in my practice, but more importantly I may find more ease in my posture and functioning through normal activities. If it doesn't, then I may explore other options.

I am so grateful for the question, "is this useful for you?" It has freed me into making a choice of what is best for me. This is a choice I can make in every moment. Instead of making a judgement based on old ideas and beliefs that are no longer appropriate, I can use the intelligence of my mind and body to discern what is happening. From this discernment, I can better decide my next action, without the emotional charge of judgement.

This takes much practice. Believe me, I'm still practicing. I will always need to practice. Most of the time, I catch myself reacting from my longstanding patterns instead of responding intelligently. I am catching myself a bit quicker, so that may be a sign of progress.

Even letting go of that judgement is a practice!

Ishvara Pranidhana

Stopped at a red light, I watched a flock of birds moving effortlessly in unison just yards in front of me. They rose together and swirled around a tree before diving gracefully toward the earth. I called to my grandson sitting in the back, “did you that? Wasn’t that amazing?”

“What? All the birds just followed the leader.” He was not impressed.

This exchange stuck with me for days. I was inspired to research it further.

The phenomenon of swarming or flocking is not unique to birds, but fish, insects and even animals. There are scientific and mathematical studies to determine the factors that create swarming behavior. The reasons vary among the species from migration for food to colonization. Swarming uses the simple model of moving in the same direction while remaining close and avoiding collision. 

I often think of this when watching bicyclists riding together. My husband is an avid cyclist, and I’m fascinated by his instinctual maneuvering on different terrains and traffic patterns. I need to practice and work on my skills just to go on an easy ride. More than my physical limitations, my mental blocks can paralyze me into a dead stop. How many times have I been told “just GO!”

Ishvara Pranidhana is the 5^th niyama, the observances included in Patanjali’s yoga sutras. Most commonly it is translated as “surrender.” Surrender to what? Across centuries of cultures and religions, there were many wars and lives destroyed over the differences in their answer. I’m not about to start another war.

I can only share my own experience.  I released the framework I was taught and began my own journey. In many ways, I have come back to a fuller understanding of those teachings. I am also free of holding onto a belief with stubborn defiance.

I found this freedom through my yoga practice. I explore my balance between will and surrender; holding strong and letting go. I slow down my movements, I slow down my breath, and then my thoughts naturally begin to slow. In time, I slow into stillness. It is in this space that I am free to fully surrender. I let GO.

When I am off my yoga mat, I continue the practice of surrender. In this sense, discernment is essential. I don’t advocate surrendering to whatever becomes present in life. Through yoga and meditation, I develop a stronger sense of self. I begin picking up subtle cues I used to miss. My distractions and ego-fueled fears burn away, and I gain clarity. I am closer to the true essence of life, of myself.

Now when I see birds swarm in their beautiful dance, I am even more enthralled.

The Holiday Season

This time of year can be challenging. There were times I could not raise my “happy” level to match the festivities. Relationship issues, financial struggles and pressures from work have distracted me from the joyous feelings I’m “supposed to have.” Christmas carols and festive lights felt more intrusive than welcoming.

In general, this season radiates a warm glow for me.  I love watching the children overflowing with excitement. I feel peaceful hearing holy music. I am blessed with many happy memories of Christmas, visiting relatives and honoring traditions from our families. 

And yet… this season has also brought disappointment and heartbreak. Family members missing from the table, the first Christmas without someone we have lost, and witnessing the erosion of innocence. The pain we carry seems to amplify when we’re being encouraged to deny its existence.

There are very real issues that we manage from day to day, and the holidays ask that we put these aside to celebrate, to refocus on the bigger picture. We are all connected through Love. Whatever religion or holiday you align with, this is the basic idea. Unfortunately, this tends to get lost when we try to keep up with the expectations.

One thing I have learned through my experiences of difficult holidays is to let go of the meaningless traditions and simplify. I have let go of a lot. I don’t decorate anymore, because it was more work than enjoyment. I don’t try to find the perfect gift, because I never really understood what that meant. I don’t cook elaborate meals, because I don’t eat elaborate meals. I don’t send cards, though I do enjoy receiving this new trend of photo cards. Maybe one year I’ll send pictures of my husband on his bike with me in a yoga pose.  

This is how I am choosing to celebrate the spirit of the season. When I simplify my participation in the holidays, I have more freedom to be fully present. I can see if someone feels lonely or frustrated, and I can respond with love. I can see if the holiday traditions are so meaningful to someone because it connects them to their past, and I can respond with love. I look into the beautiful eyes of my loved ones, and my heart responds with Love.

To you and yours, however you celebrate this season, I wish you all the blessings of Love.

My Nightmare

Last night I had a dream that I was attacked by a vicious large black dog. The teeth and the growling was terrifying and real. Like the movie "Cujo," I was trapped in a car watching it's head crashing against the window. A woman outside the car was beating it down away from me. At one point it was down on the ground, and I thought it was over. It leapt up even angrier, charging at my window, which was now rolled down. I pressed back as far as I could, it's face and teeth were inside the car and coming at me quickly. I knew there was no escape. I woke up.

I looked up dream interpretations on the internet, which there are many sites and conflicting information. What I took was that a black dog means a disloyal friend or the shadow side of a friend. The barking was gossip and the biting was fear. Trying to figure out who that could be, and finding no conclusion, I let it drop. It may have been a memory from some other time, something I watched, or just me imagining a fear come to life.

After my typical morning ritual, I went downtown to teach a class. Walking back to my car, thinking about what needs to be done for the rest of the day, I saw a black dog. It's leash was tied to the door of a bagel shop. It was small, probably under 10 pounds. It didn't bark, it just held eye contact with me. As I continued walking, I felt my awareness shift.

I haven't "decided" what all this means. I do feel comforted, that I'm not completely on my own. For now, that may be enough.

Adventure

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

After two years of training and initial teaching of yoga, it was time for a break. My husband did a bicycle tour with his dad earlier this year and wanted to share with me some of his favorite sites along the Oregon coast. As I begin my intensive training into yoga instruction and yoga therapy this week, it was the right time to break away from routine and familiarity into the unknown. This was my adventure.

I have been challenging myself to face what scares me, until I run out of things that scare me. Though I haven’t run out of fear-triggers yet, the line of resistance has relaxed quite a bit. My fear of flying did not result in a panic attack, and I was able to breathe through lift off. On our first full day, we walked through the busy city of Portland. I crossed over the pedestrian bridge with cautious ease. I felt confident for our hike the next day.

We set out to hike Multnomah Falls Trail, wearing our hiking boots and feeling excited. At the base of the waterfall, we looked up to the pedestrian bridge, and I felt intimidated to climb that high.  We giggled when we saw the path was paved and some people were coming down wearing flip-flops. When we reached the bridge, I felt empowered. 

The trail continued around the mountain, unpaved. As we gazed out to the Columbia River below, I noticed the steep drops had no barriers built. I also saw the trail got very thin and uneven. By the time we reached the second switchback, I was done. Pete encouraged me to continue, to conquer my fears, but I felt the panic rising. I waited at the landing of this switchback as he continued his climb. I sat in my fear, meditated and prayed. I watched a variety of ages and body types climb up and down without the obstacle of fear. By the time Pete came back, I had some greetings with the passers-by and even did a few yoga poses. 

Our adventures continued with a very loose itinerary, not always sure where we would sleep that night (we had our camping gear). I continued challenging my fear levels throughout our many adventures along the Pacific Coast. When we stopped at vista points to take in the views, the mountain at our back and the ocean below, fear dissipated. I was fully absorbed in the wild landscape.

On our last flight home, I took the window seat. Pete slept as I watched our ascent (yes, he can sleep through take-off). I watched the ground fall away, heard the engines escalate in power and felt the shuddering of the aircraft. I also observed my thoughts, my physical responses, and my breath. As I slowed my breath, my thoughts slowed and my body calmed. This too, I observed.

We arrived at the airport an hour before our luggage. In this moment I saw very clearly that I could choose to allow this to affect my memories of the adventure, or to accept it as part of the experience. As we waited in baggage claim, we observed the people around us, the shift of the crowd as flights arrived and people departed. We remembered the highlights of our travels; the majestic redwood trees, the ocean sprays on rocky beaches. We were too tired to be hungry or need anything. It was an interesting place to be.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” ― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky